Name: Why Being Too Nice Can Damage Your Career Path
Uploaded: 2023-08-04T16:52:00Z
Duration: 6 min 38 s
Description: Workers who want to get ahead but also be respected face a tricky balance of being too nice or too aggressive. WSJ “Work & Life” columnist Rachel Feintzeig joins host J.R. Whalen to discuss ways employees can navigate that challenge. Photo Illustration: Aaron DuRall

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Workers who want to get ahead but also be respected face a tricky balance of being too nice or too aggressive. WSJ “Work & Life” columnist Rachel Feintzeig joins host J.R. Whalen to discuss ways employees can navigate that challenge. Photo Illustration: Aaron DuRall

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Why Being Too Nice Can Damage Your Career Path

J.R. Whalen: Here's Your Money Briefing for Monday, August 7th. I'm J.R. Whalen for the Wall Street Journal. Being nice to others is an honorable way to go through life, but at work it can hold back your career. WSJ Work and Life columnist, Rachel Feintzeig, joins me. So Rachel, first it was don't be the office jerk. Now, it's don't be too nice. Seems like we can't win. What's the problem with being too nice?

Rachel Feintzeig: It's true. It's this very fine line to walk. The problem with being too nice is that it can devolve into people pleasing and while it might make some people feel good in the office, it's gonna make others feel bad. You know, there are moments where you have to kind of rally your team or you have to defend them to another department where you have to pass feedback upwards in the organization where people ask you for honest feedback and they want your honest opinion. And sometimes when we're too nice, we can sugarcoat things to an extent that they backfire on us.

J.R. Whalen: Now, most people are pleasant and friendly to each other in the workplace, but where do career professionals you spoke with say that the line is that people sometimes cross?

Rachel Feintzeig: It's this sense of just being so soft that people don't even know where you stand. That's actually confusing to people. So, if you're doing things like speaking in a way that it sounds like everything is a question, like you're almost questioning yourself, people can really wonder what you mean and they can also question whether or not you're leadership material and it makes sense to promote you.

J.R. Whalen: Are men and women affected equally by this issue?

Rachel Feintzeig: It affects everyone, but I think it's especially a tough line to walk for women. I think there's this Catch 22 for women that you're either too soft and weak and you use exclamation marks and you sound too chipper all the time, and you're saying sorry too much, or you're too aggressive and you're too forward and you're overstepping your boundaries. Women especially can fall into that trap, but to be sure, I also talked to men about how they walk this line as well.

J.R. Whalen: In your column in the Wall Street Journal, you talked about people using a customer service voice. What do you mean by that?

Rachel Feintzeig: Yeah, it's a great phrase, right? It came from a speaking coach who I talked to and she described it as that voice that you use when you would really love if the barista could refill the oat milk, please. It's like a little bit timid. It's meant to just lubricate, you know, a social situation. And it makes sense sometimes, right? Like I don't think you should be yelling at your barista demanding oat milk, but when you carry that over into the workplace, especially into situations where people are asking you for your opinion or you need to pitch something, defend something, it can be really confusing and ineffective.

J.R. Whalen: So, essentially, be more direct with what you're trying to say.

Rachel Feintzeig: Also, just using your tone of voice to be the person that you wanna be in that moment. So, the speaking coach had this exercise I thought was really interesting where you throw a pretend ball against the wall and match your tone of voice to its trajectory. So, you would throw it up and then hear how your voice goes up at the end, and it sounds like you're asking a question, and then you throw it down and you feel how your voice just peters out and the energy just leaves you, and then, you throw it straight across and you can feel how your words just stay constant. There's a power, again, you're not being obnoxious or unfriendly, but there's a strength there and I think it's worth practicing that.

J.R. Whalen: But does somebody run the risk of not being taken seriously if they all of a sudden step outta their personality and they veer toward being too nice or too aggressive in certain situations?

Rachel Feintzeig: Yeah, that's a really good point. And it was important to me in this piece that I wasn't telling people to be someone that they're totally not. This stuff is all on the margins. I also think it's totally fine to be a nice person at work. You know, I consider myself to be a nice person at work and I don't wanna change that. I talked to a guy who works in tech who told me 99.9% of the time, I am jovial and I will get what I want or give feedback by being jovial. I'll make a joke, I'll ask questions, but he said that makes the 0.1% of the time where he is a little bit more stern or a little bit more terse, more effective. It's like this currency that he doles out sparingly. And so, I think people should think about it like that. You're not trying to change your personality. You're not trying to change who you are 99% of the time. It's about giving yourself the tools to get what you want and make sure that you're being really effective in certain situations.

J.R. Whalen: But what if somebody has upward mobility in mind? You know, they might be aspiring to land a leadership position. Does that make the idea of being nice or not a tricky balance?

Rachel Feintzeig: It makes it even more important. People want to see that leaders can command a room, command a team, speak their mind a bit. You don't wanna be mean or jerky to people for sure. You don't wanna be in a situation where you're constantly picking up the slack for other people and being deluged with work that's not going to advance your career. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work hard, but sometimes when you're too nice, you're not as discerning about the work that's going to get you ahead. You don't have as much control over the stuff that you're working on. So, keeping this in mind is especially important for people who are thinking about climbing that ladder.

J.R. Whalen: So, how would being mindful about how you work with other people, how would that connect with your potential salary or benefits package?

Rachel Feintzeig: All of this can impact people's salary, potentially. I mean, climbing that ladder, landing a leadership position, that's what's really gonna grow the money that you make, and in order for people to see you as leadership material, see that you have that potential to grow in your career, you have to establish yourself as someone who's strong, who has opinions who's gonna really bring something to the table. I think especially in this moment where, I mean we have AI coming up, and this idea of the small repetitive tasks, the stuff that's really important is gonna be these scoops of insight when it comes to building your career and building your personal wealth.

J.R. Whalen: So, kind of, sorta thanks for being on Your Money Briefing. I hope it didn't take up too much of your time. That's not the way to say it, right?

Rachel Feintzeig: No, thank you so much for having me. It's been great. You know, you wanna do it as a statement and no apologies necessary.

J.R. Whalen: All right, that's Wall Street Journal Work and Life columnist Rachel Feintzeig and that's Your Money Briefing. I'm J.R. Whalen for the Wall Street Journal.

WSJ's Your Money Briefing podcast is your personal-finance and career checklist. Finance reporters and experts break down complicated money questions every weekday to help you make better decisions about managing your money. 

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