Name: The Money Date: Couples Making Financial Plans Over Candlelit Dinners
Uploaded: 2023-09-14T19:26:00Z
Duration: 6 min 17 s
Description: More couples are choosing to have conversations about their financial goals on “money dates.” WSJ reporter Julia Carpenter joins host J.R. Whalen to discuss the benefits of mixing romance and finance. Illustration: The Wall Street Journal, iStock

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More couples are choosing to have conversations about their financial goals on “money dates.” WSJ reporter Julia Carpenter joins host J.R. Whalen to discuss the benefits of mixing romance and finance. Illustration: The Wall Street Journal, iStock

https://m.wsj.net/video/20230914/a7197342-a87c-472b-92c8-0b7420806b96/2/hls/manifest-hd-wifi.m3u8

The Money Date: Couples Making Financial Plans Over Candlelit Dinners

JR: Here's "Your Money Briefing" for Thursday, September 14th. I'm JR Whalen for "The Wall Street Journal." Some couples hoping to sort out issues regarding their finances are having some of these awkward conversations on money dates. "Wall Street Journal" Personal Finance Reporter, Julia Carpenter, is here to discuss. So Julia, is the money date a new concept?

Julia: The money date is not a new concept. It's just something that I hear every single time I talk to couples who are happy with how they're managing their money, happy with how they're communicating about money. And when I would interview couples therapists or financial advisors, this advice also kept coming up again and again. Do you have a money date? If not, get a money date. And so I wanted to explore what a money date is, how it works, why it's beneficial and how people do it.

JR: So we're talking about an actual literal date, as in getting all dolled up and going out somewhere and talking about money?

Julia: People can do it that way, and I interviewed several people who did. I also interviewed people who view it as more of just a date on the calendar, that this is their time to actually make it enjoyable, to sit down and put it on the big screen and pop some popcorn. Or again, going to a steakhouse dinner, like getting dressed up, hiring a babysitter, making it something that you don't dread but instead almost look forward to.

JR: Now, many couples talk about money, but what specifically should be on the agenda on a money date?

Julia: So it's specific to the couples. Some couples will do it by theme, like at the end of the year they're planning for their holiday budget, or at the beginning of the year they're looking at the calendar and planning travel. But if you're unsure about where to start, I talked to Adam Cole, he's a couple's financial therapist, and he said you should start just looking at the credit card statement. Both of you sit down together, look over this transaction history. It can sound boring and dry, but it's a way to sort of wade in. You can look and just see, "Okay, is there anything wrong here? "Is there any fraud? "Oh, okay, we have this, we spend money on this. "Oh, we don't wanna spend money on this." Just as a way to sort of crack the door open.

JR: So it sounds like something more proactive than getting together and couples just lecturing each other about money.

Julia: That's what you don't want it to be. You don't want it to be a blame game. You don't want it to be something that one partner feels like they're in the quote-unquote right and the other partner is in the wrong. You want it to be just a way for you both to get on the same page and a way for you to both plan for the future.

JR: So what do financial experts say about talking money on a date? What exactly is the end goal?

Julia: The end goal is to build more intimacy around money, to feel like you understand your partner's attitudes toward money, their goals, how they spend, how they save, and that they understand yours. That minimizes conflict over the long term, and when something then comes up during the week or during the month and you think, "Oh, okay, I really wanna talk "about how we're spending money on this, "or I really wanna talk "about how far away we are from this," you don't have a fight in the moment. You instead think, "Okay, I'll save it "and bring it up on the money date."

JR: I like that, intimacy about money. "Honey, I love you, but I love money too."

Julia: Exactly. Well, and also intimacy in that you understand the other person, you know, true intimacy in the sense that you don't feel like there's any secrets or there's any hiding.

JR: As part of your reporting, you spoke to financial experts, and they're very much on board with these money dates and they almost say that it sort of unlocks a mind game.

Julia: Yeah, I mean, there's behavioral science that backs this up. There is a concept called temptation bundling that behavioral economists have researched and studied that shows if you package a less exciting task with a more exciting reward, so a less exciting task like going over the credit card statement and a more exciting reward, like spending one-on-one time with the person that you love, you're likelier to do it. You're likelier to stick to it and make it part of your regular routine.

JR: How often should these money dates take place?

Julia: So it depends on the couple. Some people wanna have them every month. Some people may wanna have them every week. I interviewed one couple who they have one big money date in January at the start of the year, where they hire a babysitter and they go out to dinner, just them, and they do it to review sort of their financial outlook for the year, and then they break it into briefer check-ins that aren't like full proper dates, but are instead check-ins throughout the year. So really dependent on the schedules that people keep but also sort of the goals that people are bringing to this.

JR: Yeah, let's talk more about the couples who have actually done this. You spoke to them, and how did it work out for them? What was their experience?

Julia: So I interviewed one couple. Their names are Megan and Bronson Allen. They have a regular money day every month that they either do at a coffee shop or on a picnic or just in their apartment, projecting their laptops onto the TV screen. And what they've said is that it allows both of them to be working with the same set of information. They share money, but they also have personal accounts. This allows them to see what's happening sort of in both worlds, and also bring things to the other person almost like a pitch for this money. Bronson really got into triathlon training and he said, "I wanna take some of this money from the joint account "and spend it on a new triathlon bike. "Here's how much it costs. "Here's what I've researched. "Here's the bikes that look good. "Here's how I'll find that money. "Here's where we can reallocate it," and then they can talk about it as a couple.

JR: It's almost like the traditional kitchen table conversation now could take place at the fancy bistro downtown. But is there a particular setting that financial experts say is more effective than others in terms of coming to common ground about money?

Julia: It's very particular to the couple. You know, Megan and Bronson, that couple I just mentioned, they often just have it at home on the couch, like in their comfy clothes at the end of the workday. Tierra Bates and Gregory Bates, another couple I interviewed, they said they have to hire the babysitter. They have to get out of the house. They have to be sitting down somewhere away from sort of their normal life in order to assess it. So it depends on what works for you. Whatever is gonna make you least nervous, least conflicted, least irritated is probably the setting that's best.

JR: That's "Wall Street Journal" Personal Finance Reporter Julia Carpenter. And that's it for "Your Money Briefing." Today's show is produced by Ariana Aspuru, with supervising producer Melany Roy. I'm JR Whalen for "The Wall Street Journal." We'll be back tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening.

WSJ's Your Money Briefing podcast is your personal-finance and career checklist. Finance reporters and experts break down complicated money questions every weekday to help you make better decisions about managing your money. 

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