Name: Fighting Over Money Can Be Good, Actually
Uploaded: 2023-11-28T22:45:00Z
Duration: 7 min
Description: Disagreements about finances are a part of any relationship. New research suggests that these fights aren’t necessarily about money. Wall Street Journal personal finance reporter Julia Carpenter joins host Danny Lewis to discuss root causes, and how in some cases arguing might actually help strengthen a couple’s bonds. Illustration: Alex Nabaum

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Disagreements about finances are a part of any relationship. New research suggests that these fights aren’t necessarily about money. Wall Street Journal personal finance reporter Julia Carpenter joins host Danny Lewis to discuss root causes, and how in some cases arguing might actually help strengthen a couple’s bonds. Illustration: Alex Nabaum

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Fighting Over Money Can Be Good, Actually

Here's your money briefing for Tuesday, November 28th. I'm Danny Lewis for the Wall Street Journal. In for J.R. Whalen. Couples often argue about money, but new research shows disagreements about money are often the byproduct of deeper relationship issues. Wall Street Journal, personal finance reporter, Julia Carpenter joins me now. So Julia, we often hear from couples that a key to staying together is communication. Does discussing or even fighting about money fall under that category?

Absolutely. And one of the things that I learned from reading this research and speaking with the researchers is that fighting more about money is actually better for your relationship.

You spoke to the co-author of a recent study out of Carleton University in Ottawa that spotlighted conflict within relationships. How did money work its way into the study?

Johanna Peetz is the researcher I interviewed, and she had looked at thousands of Reddit posts on r/Relationships, which is a smaller forum within the greater social media platform, Reddit. r/Relationships is where people go to post about relationship problems, questions about who's right in this fight, who's right in that fight. But a lot of times, they bring up money and they bring up finances. And this team of social scientists was looking at these anonymous posts and then following it up by doing a secondary study where they analyzed how couples talk to each other, really gave them some insight into some of the recurring themes and patterns.

What kinds of money fights did the study reveal couples often have?

So they don't necessarily sound like they're about money, but in the context of fighting about money, they're the themes that came up again and again. So one of them is perceived irresponsibility. So that's one partner is perceived as not caring as much about the finances of the household as the other partner. The other is one-sided decision making. So it's perceived as one person is making all the decisions and leaving one other person out. The other is uneven contributions. So that's pretty easy to understand. That's one partner really carrying the load. And the other is a lack of shared values.

What exactly does that mean?

So a lack of shared values means that both partners aren't bringing the same money values to the relationship. And this can show up in small ways and in big ways. So let's say that two people go out to the movies and one person is buying the most luxurious seat and the other person is buying the seat way in the back. And it's seen at first is a pretty small fight, but one person is saying, "My values are that I want the most out of this experience." And the other person is saying, "I'm willing to forego that for this small experience so that we can do something later." It seems like it's just a fight about movie seats, but it's actually a fight about the future and something way bigger than just, where am I gonna be sitting in relation to this movie screen?

So what did these researchers think about how people should address the mismatch in shared values?

So I interviewed a financial therapist. His name is Thomas Fauple, he's based in San Francisco. And one of the things he said about this is that you have to talk about the issue underneath the issue because money is about power, money is about control. When you're fighting about these things, you're fighting about something much bigger. So just treating it as a frivolous conversation or treating it as something, "Oh, well that's not important to me," really discounts what the other person is bringing to this, which is a much bigger issue. The other thing is what Johanna Peetz found in her research, which is that, in looking at all of these different Reddit posts, she saw that people who fight about the little mundane things, like the movie seat, for example, get somewhere. Fighting about the small stuff actually leads you to better understanding the big stuff. So it's actually worthwhile to discuss finances more in relationships, maybe get into more fights than just let things bubble up and then blow up.

But at the same time, I mean, even with your closest loved ones, money can be a really sensitive subject. Are all discussions about money where people air their grievances helpful to a relationship?

One of the things that Thomas was telling me, that's the financial therapist I interviewed, is that identifying these things, like the shared values, or the pain points of the relationship are important. So figuring out what those are, figuring out what is gonna set someone off, or what is really important to the other person, helps you then figure out how to fight in a good way, in a way that feels healthy, in a way that feels productive.

So we've been talking all about the money side of this, but what's the relationship the researchers found between talking about money and talking about other non-financial issues in a relationship?

The thing that was hardest for people to work through is the fair contributions. So if someone isn't contributing to discussing this, if someone isn't contributing to the mission, if someone isn't contributing to the overall future of the household, there's gonna be problems. And that doesn't mean contributing financially. So it doesn't mean both people have to be putting the same amount of money into the pot, but it means both people have to have the same skin in the game. Both people have to care the same amount, which is, even if you don't care, say about the movie seat, for example, my partner cares about the movie seat, I need to care just a little bit more about the movie seat.

And almost everyone is going to go through hard times with money at some point. But how do researchers say couples can work through these hard financial times?

So I interviewed a couple, actually, their names are Barbara Krenzer and John Stone. They live in Syracuse, New York. And they said, early on, they agreed that the shared values were gonna be the foundation of their relationship. From the very first date, they were talking of what's important to them, which for them is spending quality time with their family and investing in memories. Both of them were working in very demanding careers. Krenzer is a physician, Stone trained as an attorney, and they agreed early on, one of them was gonna work part-time while the kids were growing up and the other was gonna take a job so that their mornings were free so that they could spend mornings with the children and get everybody to school. So Krenzer said, "We didn't buy into that big lifestyle." There was a path where they would've foregone both of those things and totally maximized their income potential, really, really, just like put the pedal to the metal for their careers. But they decided from the beginning, "We both know this is important, it's important to the other person, it's important to me, it's important to our family."

Julia Carpenter covers personal finance for the Wall Street Journal. And that's it for your money briefing. Today's show is produced by me, Danny Lewis, with supervising producer Melanie Roy. We'll be back tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening.

WSJ's Your Money Briefing podcast is your personal-finance and career checklist. Finance reporters and experts break down complicated money questions every weekday to help you make better decisions about managing your money. 

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